wreath making

Hi, So many people have asked if I journal. Well, this is my current journal. For anyone who wants to to read. This is all just way too big to keep to myself, and I hope that someday Page and I will be available to help someone who may need it.

I was at the Grocery store today , wearing my Team Cash t-shirt. I had just come from the gym where I always wear my Team shirt. The nice Starbucks lady said" Oh, what a cute shirt, what a cute baby" And for the FIrst TIME I just said" yeah, he is. That's my son."and didn't start to cry. I am just happy that he is my son. That he chose me and Page to be his Parents.

I had even put on a vest to enter the store b/c sometime I think I get looks while wearing the shirts. (or that could just be in my head)

So to celebrate that milestone of healing : I made A Pyracnatha Wreath for our front door. I just love the orange berries. And it does make for a Broncos door b/c our door is blue. Hope Page likes it.

We had a huge break thru yesterday. We are working with a wonderful person, to guide us thru our journey as Parents. As Mother and Father to this unbelievable perfect and special little person, Cash. I feel lighter today than I have in months. Today: I trust that everything is going to be ok. Trusting my guts.

xo, cash's mommy

fri nite

Hi, It was a rough week. some good points, loads of tears. Lots of work to be done. It's hard to remember that all the decisions Page and I are facing about how to proceed with our lives are going to be OK. All the decisions we ever made for Cash, even how he was born, were easy....and also the hardest things to decide. But we didn't even have to discuss it. We just both felt the same way. We want what is best for our child. I am very lucky to have married my Best Friend and partner in life. It's hard to watch Page be so sad. So heartbroken. We know we will never be the same people we once were.
So Cashie, what is best for you is to be in Heaven , hanging out with PapaScan, playing with your trucks(because that's how I picture you, big enough to play) and Lila, and Grandmother...and baby Kai. It's your job right now to show him the ropes up there and teach him how to contact his Parents. You are my angel. I miss you so much Pumpkin. Please pray for Daddy and me to be OK this weekend. To be safe and have good moments.
I love you CutiePants.
Mommy

Humor, Gratitude, Sweetness

I went to Denver this past Saturday for the first time since going to visit Cash at Children's.

Just before I left, I went to hear a speaker (Sue Fredrick) at a Women's Health Day fair. She had so many enlightening things to say, but this is what I took away from it: Humor, Gratitude, Sweetness. Humor to laugh at the absurdity of life, Gratitude for those around you that make life worth living and Sweetness, like that found in the eyes of an innocent but wise newborn baby ...

The energy we have and exude everyday effects everyone around you, even people you don't know, thought is powerful. To prove that this is true she told a story of a study done with two men that had never met before. They were introduced and one was put into a room with monitors of all kinds (heart, brainwaves, etc.). The other man was put into a room with a computer screen and was told to think a thought - any thought - about this man he did not know every time he saw his picture.

The result? The monitors showed a recorded reaction every time Man #2 had a thought about him! Imagine what the results would have been if these two men were friends!

I thought about Cash and the Scanlon-Phillips family the whole time I was there. And when I pulled back in to Boulder, near dusk, I saw him! Cash's Fox was hanging out in North Boulder near his grandparents house. He's thinking about us, and we are thinking about him – with Humor, Gratitude, and Sweetness.

Love,
Alli

(btw, Teri & Page, I hope you got my message last Thursday that I was coming b/c I wanted to stop in and say hello, I only had one phone number so let me know if there is a better one)

latest update on Garden Fund

Hi Tess~
Great to hear from you. I was actually going to send you an email this afternoon with the latest and greatest tribute report. Please find attached a list of names and addresses of those who have sent in gifts since August 29th. We are officially up to $19,371!

Holly is going to meet with Page and I in October to talk about what the next steps are for making this Garden happen.

As I have been thinking alot about my son, as I always do, the pain never goes away. It doesn't even get less........there are times when I can function for longer periods of time without crying or being sad but the pain is the same..always so strong...takes my breath away.

I know that this is a time for great Faith . Faith that we will be OK, that Cash is OK, that we will have kids filling up our home, making noise, making a mess ,making us crazy. Our dear friend Jim robbins came to visit this weekend. He has 3 kids. Jim was telling us about Soccer days in Boseman. How crazy it can get and how much fun it is to watch the little ones all run in a herd around the soccer field. I just thought it sounded like Heaven. Page and I have to have so much Faith that we will have that herd of kids running around and that Cashie will be with us always. Sometimes I just want to drive up to an orphanage(or wherever kids that need families are) and fill my truck, and fill the house with noises, with love, with laughter.

I spoke with Janet from Baltimore on Sat nite. She is the Mom to Cullum. They were on NPR b/c they want to raise awareness about SMA. Cullum has Type 1 SMA, just like Cash. He is 19 months old. They are trying all these alternative therapies for him. He is showing great progress. It was amazing to talk to another Mom about SMA. I have really just put it out of my line of vision. I have been so Angry at SMA. It's very scary to think about getting pregnant again. I don't feel strong at all in that area. Not yet. If you are related to Page or Myself and thinking about having kids....do the genetic testing for SMA. Because it runs in our families.

You know, I was telling Page the other day that I rarely get lonely, even when I was working by myself for all those years gardening. I have always really enjoyed my own company. Then last year I was pregnant and I would talk to Cashie all day long and I certainly didn't feel lonely.
Now, I feel lonely without Cashie. I miss him so much. Feeding him, changing his diaps, snuggling him all day long. I miss my baby. I want him back. I need to have patience.
I need a miracle.
So for anyone that is reading....could you please take a minute and just ask whatever it is you may believe in for a miracle for Page and I.

Thank you

Cash's Mommy

jane's Team Cash Biking with her helmet on backwards adventure. We love you Auntie Janer

Yesterday, 9/22----some friends and I (Kim, Kelly and Doug) celebrated Cash by biking on the Virginia Creeper Trail . It is a beautiful place and one of my favorites. We felt his spirit all day. We laughed a lot (I cried a bit too) and enjoyed the beauty of this natural wonder---which is right off the Appalachian Trail. I miss my little nephew. I miss being able to buy and make him the kinds of things only aunties get to buy and make. I ache everyday for my sister and my brother in law. I--like---so many of my fellow/sistah bloggers am SO inspired by these 2. When I was in Colorado this summer visiting I was so moved at how they just keep on keepin' on. I asked Teri how she did it and she said something about "life being for living". I am taking that sentiment to the bank and CASHing it in.

To be our best is such a tribute to Cashie Scanlon Phillips----my little nephew.

love, auntie Janer

Stil out here

I know it's been a while since I've posted anything on the blog. I am out here and doing my best. It's still very day to day as we try to live with the hole that is with us. Especially when you consider that it's only been just over 4 months since we were in the hospital. . . . . I've been watching Muhammad Ali videos and feeling Cash with me. He urges me to keep going, always. What a fighter.

We have lots of love in our life which is incredible and we are blessed. Thank you to you all who are keeping tabs on us.

My love to everyone.

Strength

Teri and I have been friends for a long time, a long time. We have been through a lot and it seems that anything we go through brings us closer, hence the reason she is my best friend. I want Teri to know how much I appreciate her friendship, her love, her ideas, her strength and all that she is. I admire that she gets up in the morning and has the courage to go through the day. I admire that she is taking such a tragedy, as Cash's death is, and moving on with such strength and drive to make her world better. Teri never stops, she never has, yet now, she is so much wiser than I have ever known her to be. Whenever I am with her, I am inspired to do more, to experience more and it seems even more apparent now, in the wake of her loss. Thank-you Teri for keeping going and for showing me your incredible determination. You should be proud of yourself, as I know all of your friends and relatives are. You show us to go on, to grow and to live, even through incredible sadness. I love you Teri. Thank-you for being my very best friend. Love, Tam

courage

I believe that courage is all too often mistakenly seen as the absence of Fear. If you descend by a rope from a cliff and are not fearful to some degree , you are either crazy or unaware. Courage is seeing your fear, in a realistic perspective, defining it, considering alternatives, and choosing to function spite of the risk.
-Leonard Zunin
Contact: the First Four Minutes


I found this in a Book of readings form North Carolina Outward Bound School I did a Semester course with way back in College.
I know Page and I need courage now to continue on.....to keep getting up, to go to work everyday...even when we want to stay in bed and sleep and cry.
Please keep up your prayers.
Cash's Mommy

oprah

Hi all,
Page and I are organizing a Benefit Concert to raise $$ for The Cash Scanlon Phillips Memorial Garden to be built at Childrens' Hospital. Some of you may have read about it on our blog at : www.teamcash.blogspot.com

We are asking for help. There will be a Silent Auction at this event. We are asking folks who can to collect things from their favortite busiensses to be auctioned off. Some examples have been: A Haircut from a Salon, Artwork, A signed copy of a Great book, Tickets to an Event....whatever you can think of.

Or if you would like to help out in another way you could send an email to Oprah...yup Oprah. I sent an email to here staff telling them about Cash's short life here on Earth, how he was named for Mohamad Ali(Cassius Clay) , what a fighter he is. How he has really changed peoples lives with his Spirit. I asked Oprahs staff for help with this Benefit Concert by the way of getting a Big Name performer there. I mentioned Sheryl Crow, John Mayer., The Fray, Big Head Todd., Josh Blue the comedian....I am shooting BIG!

Below is the link to Oprahs site.
The Benefit details are:

Date Jan 18th, 2008(Cash's Birthday)
Place: The Oriental Theater, North West Denver
Time: 7pm-??
We have one Bluegrass Band already, we are looking for more atlent
The donations go towards The Childrens' Hospital Foundation Fund for Cash Scanlon Phillips Memorial Garden.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. We are doing ok, lots of therapy, lots of tears. We have hope for our future as parents but our hearts are shattered beyond comprehension. I cry all the time.
...https://www.oprah.com/plugger/templates/BeOnTheShow.jhtml?action=respond&plugId=D55300002

brave

We checked out a few bands last nite. Not really what we were looking for but it was good to be out, even though it makes me tired today. I miss Cashie. I miss my baby.I am trying to be brave.
Cash's Mommy

beach time in Humarock

ellen and I at Cash's Cairn-left

mom and me on the beach-right

Hi all,

This past Labor Day weekend Page and I went to stay with my cousin Ellen at her home in Mass.

We laughed, cried, shared, enjoyed the company of family that we haven't seen in years. It's hard to describe how much it meant to me to be there, flown in by my Aunt and Uncle to just be taken care of. My Mom, Stepdad, Aunt, sister, cousins cousins cousins, uncle, family!!!!!!!!

It was such a generous gift of love, caring, family. We were surrounded by love, smiles, conversations about everything.

This beach is one of my favorite places on Earth. It's where I spent time with my Grandmother, it's where Page and I went to help us heal.

My cousin Ellen and her kids, Jecca and Luke and their kids: Declan, Elle, Boston, Luke, and Shia....plus a bunch of other folks built a Cairn for Cash at the opening to the beach steps at Ellen's House.

We have placed some of Cash's ashes there. At my favorite place, my favorite beach, to be close to Ellen and bring her company and Cash's magic.

The tears flow so much. Some days are ok, some are really hard.

I miss Cashie so much.

PLease keep your prayers up for baby Kai.

And thank you for all the Benefit Concert/Silent Auction items:

Please send them to us at :

2205 Jay Street

Edgewater, CO 80214

You are all a great help to Page and I. PLease know we love everyone of you......even if I can't always answer my phone.

xoxo,

Cash's Mommy

A Prayer Please

Our friends Alistar, Bettina, and their newborn need a prayer. They are in Children's Hospital and in the middle of a serious situation. We have asked Cash to help them and we ask that everyone out there say a prayer or light a candle or send them some good energy.

Thank you and all our Love,

Cash, Teri, Spider, Stripe, and Cowie

Whale Cousins - Update

Just a quick update on the Whale Cousins: Cash (Tear), Tyler (Eden), Audrey (Ember) and Emily (Trident) were all sighted at various times throughout the summer. All have been feeding at Stellwagen Bank (where we went for our whale watch this spring). Ember seems to be the most interested in the research boats, spending long periods of time circling around and under them.

I'm very happy that these whale cousins are getting to spend some time playing together. I can only imagine the magnificent sandcastles they have made on the Atlantic floor.

We miss you little Cashie....

Uncle Joe, Auntie Brenda, Audrey and Emily